I just spent the last two hours researching sex on the internet.
Lou and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I’m turning 32 in July. So I guess it’s time to get knocked up.
Now that we’ve started this discussion in earnest and set some dates for doctor appointments, I’ve been struggling with the urge to write about it.
As a side note, I wish I would just not write about it. But if I could keep myself from it, I probably wouldn’t be able to call myself a writer. As it is, I’ll write about it and deal with the stresses that come along with this exposure.
What if people from work read this and are disappointed? Why do I feel like pregnancy is a betrayal to my employer?
What if I can’t get pregnant? What if this blog turns into a depressing journal of my infertility-related mourning?
If I post this blog, do I have to keep blogging about every step of this pregnancy thing? Am I being tacky?
And, as usual, writing about myself means I’ll invite everyone to witness the less-than-pleasant sides of my personality. As an example, I’m already feeling bitter about the whole thing.
I assume a good future-mom would never feel bitterness. A good future-mom would softly mention her intentions to a few close friends. And when she spoke of it, she’d gently grin, brush her abdomen with her hand, and be magically bathed in morning light. Her soft-spoken announcement would be private, beautiful, and (in my opinion) hideously vaginal.
Today, my announcement is made via the low-brow blogosphere. And as I blab about a decision that’s supposed to be private, I will express my disgusting fears of stretch marks, big nipples, constipation, weird underwear, the surefire compromise to my career, and the reality that my vag is going to literally rip open.
In all moments when I’m lacking grace, I rely on the advice of other women. Today, I must remember my mother’s words from a few years ago:
“It’s not fun. But at least you get to bring home a cute little baby afterward.”
Goal for this week: Start taking a multivitamin.
Update: Just to be clear, I’m not pregnant. We’re researching and arranging the preparations necessary to become pregnant. Just want to be 100% clear on that, thanks.