I wish pregnancy were like a cafeteria. If each “symptom” was displayed under a sneeze guard, this is how I’d load my plastic tray…
I’ll take some more of that soft skin.
My rough skin has always matched my less-than-girly personality. But with this pregnancy, I have the skin of a, well, a baby. I guess my daughter will take that little perk with her when she makes her exit.
I’ll pass on the ass.
My ass is significantly larger. I’ve jumped from a size 4-6 to a size 12-14. Yes, yes, I’m a tacky lady for talking about my clothing size but I don’t care if you start at size 2 or 20, that increase would bother any woman.
Another helping of hair, please!
Though that sentence sounds gross, my hair is thicker and shinier than it’s ever been. You know how you lose 1,000 hairs per day? Well, a pregnant lady keeps them all. Then they all fall out after she gives birth. (Dammit.)
No more nipple for me, thanks.
This one doesn’t need an explanation.
Belly? Oh, yes, please.
It only took about 7 months for me to start showing for real. I had no idea how awesome having a pregnant belly could be! People are so nice to me. I get smiles and affectionate glances wherever I go. The other day, someone let me cut in line at the store! Preferential treatment is pretty sweet.
Could I get just a half serving of boob?
These things are out of control. I should probably purchase the next cup size up but that would be an advance of 3 sizes total (so far) and I just can’t bring myself to do it. Not to mention, I feel like a nasty ho in anything remotely low-cut. I just don’t know what to do with these things?!?!?
Congestion, poor eyesight, and bleeding gums? Oh, no…I couldn’t possibly…
I had no idea that these little ailments were even in the realm of possibilities. I would skip right over these in the cafeteria if I could.
Can I get seconds on the libido?
Some women report being very vixen-like during their pregnancies. I admit that I’m pretty bummed I didn’t get a healthy serving (or two) of this one. “Hold the ass, sub libido!” I wish.
Yes, I’ll have the sense of smell.
Though this can backfire if B.O. or hot garbage are near, I quite enjoy the advanced sense of smell. For no other reason than it makes me feel like I’ve suddenly acquired a superpower.
More blood? No thanks, I’m good.
I have increased my blood volume by 30-50%. This basically means that when I get a slightly anxious, I blush like a maniac. It’s unsettling to myself and others.
Pile on some more of that glow, please!
Many have told me I have the glow. I know this is related to the extra blood but I would love to magically have this without the blushing.
Please, fill this second tray with nesting. Thanks!
In early month 6, the nesting kicked in at 3 a.m. when I woke up and started fantasizing about rearranging a cupboard. Since then, I’ve been unstoppable. I’ve purged, shredded documents, packed storage spaces, scrubbed the baseboards and labeled everything I can get my hands on. Nesting is the greatest thing. Ever.
I’ll skip on the crying.
My poor husband. First and third trimesters (so far) have featured many sad, sobbing moments on my part. And, yes, a handful of the crying spells were the result of viewing my naked butt in a mirror.